BFF

i need a new best friend. it seems like having a best friend makes me more sane or something. maybe its the fact that i focus on them instead of myself. but i like it that way. id rather be figuring out their problems and their life, rather than my own. or atleast i think i need someone to share my problems with so that they dont keep bottled up inside me like they are right now cause im about to explode. and its not that i have real bad problems, just saying certain things aloud helps relieve my anxiety over it all. like logan and traci going on a date the other night. what the...even though i dont like logan the way he likes(liked?) me, i almost feel jealous about it cause he asked her out instead of me, but i guess thats what i get for rejecting him, now traci on the other hand, what was he thinking!? he could do so much better than her...but whatev i guess, i knew it was coming anyways thanks to good old facebook keeping me informed on such things haha. its weird, reading conversations between people i was once really good friends with and aren't anymore, i get sad and long to be their good friends again and then i remember the reasons why im not that good of friends with them anymore...i guess thats what growing up and progressing in life does to you. its hard sometimes. but oh well..Also, John has a new girlfriend. And while I'm so happy for him and totally think she will be "the one" and really good for him, I just miss having my best friend there all the time, ready at any moment to come to my rescue and keep be entertained. i know i failed on that relationship and it sucks. it was all completely my fault that we aren't even friends any more and i hate that. i wish i could have told him everything that was going on. i knew he liked me, even when i was dating his brother. i knew he liked me after it as well, and yet i still continued to lead him on while being his best friend. as much as i miss that relationship, it was a lot of work and hassel to be honest. so i guess with everything in life there is a push and pull in some aspect. on one hand i miss john's friendship, on the other hand i'm relieved i don't have that anxiety anymore. speaking of anxiety, whitney called me the other night at like 1am. it was only like a one mintue conversation but nonetheless it was both good to hear from her but also worrisome (as always). she called crying and apologizing for dissappearing from everyone for a few months. i told her i was worried and that its good to hear from her and that i wanted to see her while i was home, but then something happened (in the background i think) she panicked and then said she had to go and hung up on me. i really wish i knew what was going on in her life. there is so much i want to say to her and so much i wish she'd tell me. sigh, life is crazy. people are crazy. yet, i still love it. and them.