BFF

i need a new best friend. it seems like having a best friend makes me more sane or something. maybe its the fact that i focus on them instead of myself. but i like it that way. id rather be figuring out their problems and their life, rather than my own. or atleast i think i need someone to share my problems with so that they dont keep bottled up inside me like they are right now cause im about to explode. and its not that i have real bad problems, just saying certain things aloud helps relieve my anxiety over it all. like logan and traci going on a date the other night. what the...even though i dont like logan the way he likes(liked?) me, i almost feel jealous about it cause he asked her out instead of me, but i guess thats what i get for rejecting him, now traci on the other hand, what was he thinking!? he could do so much better than her...but whatev i guess, i knew it was coming anyways thanks to good old facebook keeping me informed on such things haha. its weird, reading conversations between people i was once really good friends with and aren't anymore, i get sad and long to be their good friends again and then i remember the reasons why im not that good of friends with them anymore...i guess thats what growing up and progressing in life does to you. its hard sometimes. but oh well..Also, John has a new girlfriend. And while I'm so happy for him and totally think she will be "the one" and really good for him, I just miss having my best friend there all the time, ready at any moment to come to my rescue and keep be entertained. i know i failed on that relationship and it sucks. it was all completely my fault that we aren't even friends any more and i hate that. i wish i could have told him everything that was going on. i knew he liked me, even when i was dating his brother. i knew he liked me after it as well, and yet i still continued to lead him on while being his best friend. as much as i miss that relationship, it was a lot of work and hassel to be honest. so i guess with everything in life there is a push and pull in some aspect. on one hand i miss john's friendship, on the other hand i'm relieved i don't have that anxiety anymore. speaking of anxiety, whitney called me the other night at like 1am. it was only like a one mintue conversation but nonetheless it was both good to hear from her but also worrisome (as always). she called crying and apologizing for dissappearing from everyone for a few months. i told her i was worried and that its good to hear from her and that i wanted to see her while i was home, but then something happened (in the background i think) she panicked and then said she had to go and hung up on me. i really wish i knew what was going on in her life. there is so much i want to say to her and so much i wish she'd tell me. sigh, life is crazy. people are crazy. yet, i still love it. and them.

Merrie Melodies

I stumbled upon this tonight, thought it was fun :)

1 - Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random

The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to Random quotations: http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3

The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr's "explore the last seven days" http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/

Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Put it all together, that's your debut album.

My results:

Name - Merrie Melodies

Album - "it does not exist."

Picture-

Well, that was fun though.

I am officially going crazy.

P.S.

I will update with photos and stuff from summer semester some time eventually...when I get time or the energy.
No worrries.
I just killed a moth on accident that landed on my keyboard. oops.
Anyhoo, I need to start working on my portfolio and whatnots.
Kay love you bye.

WOW.

Right now I'm just WOWing at EVERYTHING, cause I've decided I'm just well, kind of stupid. I was just thinking about the past two years and all the friends that have come and went and stayed and I'm all "WOW...I don't get it." All the anxiety, all the issues, all the tension put forth into those friends that have moved on with their lives, even after I've stopped being their friends totally wasn't worth my feelings and thoughts. No matter what I usually tend to never stop loving people, I get so attached to people despite everything that goes on. It's seriously a disease. Also another thing is it's very easy for me to make friends. I will know someone for five minutes and they will have already basically told me their whole life story, it's crazy and some times I sorta like it, but nonetheless, once they've moved on from me I sort of stand still, still investing in a broken relationship, hoping some how things will go back, but they never do. So right now I'm just in awe of how dumb that is of me to do. I put myself through "mental Hell" with anxiety, racing thoughts, worry, amoung other things wishing those friends would enter into my life. Most of the time it isn't even me (unless unintentional) who gives up on the relationship, I think I can only think of 2 people where I have intentionally given up, but for good reasons. It makes me sad though because of the way I handled those relationships and I wish I still had them around, but because of things said/not said and things done/not done, I know that will never be the case and I'm left alone with my choices. However, for those failed friendships, to where I have no clue why I am not friends (or good friends) with those people anymore, it makes me ache for them. I love just about everyone, even if I don't always show it. I just wish people could see how much I love them. If I could I would hug every person I walk past, one by one, and show them how much I want to care for them all. Sounds silly I know, but I totally would hahah. I don't know, I was just thinking about all this today and decided to write about it for a bit. I wish I could stop thinking about all the friends I had or could have had, but I am lucky for the ones I currently have and hopeful for the furture ones...

Forget, forget, forgeting, I need to forget.
Runaway, move on, escape from the past.
It's driving me insane and I need to get out.


I'm never coming back.

Life is Crazy.

Okay Okay Okay! I know I'm horrible at updating this blog! Get off my back already!
School is winding down and there is much to do! Everything is whizzing by in a blur. I'm still trying to figure things out with my life and it is HARD. I think I may want to just take some time off from school for a bit and just work. I don't know, it seems like the loser way out of this situation but atleast I wouldn't be wasting time or money. The thing is that when I'm out of school I feel like I'm wasting my life and getting stupider by th emoment.

I wish I had the funds to travel. i would love to go to somewhere sweet and journey around trying to figure out life. My friend Whitney from school is going to China to teach english. I think that would be so rad. I'm jealous. I would love to do something like that! But alas, lack of motivation/money/determination keeps me from achieveing things I would like to do.

I've been working out more lately. Soon I'll have my new hott body ahha! My goal is to be at 150 by next June so in a year I hope to look like a totally new person. That will be exciting.
As of now I'm just focusing on finishing this semester and forcing myself to spend the millions of hours its going to take me to put together my final projects. Whoopie. Sigh. I need this semester to be over with. I need a break, I need to start fresh. I need a lot of things...